This is a piece that many club members have been urging me to write. As I have observed before, reciprocal clubs are highly valued by members, but often regarded with caution and even disdain by club management. The practicalities of “on-boarding” temporary new members, and of dealing with the occasional complaint about a visiting reciprocal member, mean that club management can take a rather more jaded view of reciprocation than the starry-eyed armchair member, who is dazzled by the array of options before them.
Most members are blissfully unaware of the small-p politics of reciprocation, only very occasionally stumbling across them if there has been some gross transgression by their fellow members, followed by the inevitable all-member email, informing the entire club membership that their club has now been ignominiously struck off from another club’s reciprocals list, due to some unspecified transgression by an unnamed member. Inevitably, tongues are set wagging for months on end, often dealing in lurid and unfounded speculation that brings out every pre-existing prejudice imaginable - “I’ve been saying for a while that the club’s been letting in the wrong sort”, or “I knew it would be him who let us down” (even when there is no evidence of wrongdoing by a particular member), etc.
These situations are best avoided by not having infractions in the first place. Clubs tend to fall towards two extremes - either “Our members are far too eminent and distinguished to ever require anything so gauche as being told how to behave”, or micro-management through some overly detailed behavioural code. The former is ripe for abuse (often from the most improbable sources), while the latter inevitably generates pushback and acrimony - “Why is our club treating us like children?”, etc.
I would suggest that a simpler approach, between the two extremes, is to look at some simple Do’s and Don’t’s of using reciprocal clubs. These look as much at the informal side, and what is considered “good form.”
The Do’s:
Do contact the reciprocal club ahead of your visit. Typically, your club will do this for you when you ask for a Letter of Introduction, and they will mail/email a copy of that Letter of Introduction to the host club so they know when to receive you; but if not, it is worth making contact with the host club front desk so they know when they will have an outside visitor. If nothing else, this allows them to properly welcome you.
Do familiarise yourself with any regulations at the host club; if you are in contact with their front desk, you might even ask to see a copy of their rules and regulations.
Do present yourself at the reception/front desk, even if it initially seems unstaffed, and even if you can wander in without having to check in. Nobody wants the surprise of an unidentified intruder. (I know of one club which is permanently unstaffed, with the key hidden in an “under the mat” [not literally] kind of scenario; they are very trusting, complete with a trust bar, but at the very least they expect reciprocal visitors to ring up the Chairman when they are about to pay a visit. This is not purely for security reasons - they also like to put on a proper welcome.)
Do make sure your attire is in keeping with the host club’s dress code.
Do check the host club’s own policy on reciprocal members bringing guests, and on how many. Some clubs might allow two, three, six, or even ten guests. Others are limited to one, or even specify that no guests are allowed at all for reciprocal members. Similarly, if you are staying, do check on whether their policies allow you to stay with a spouse or not. Don’t make assumptions around this.
Do work out which bits of the Club are actively “social” (typically bars, games rooms, club tables), where members would welcome a stranger coming up and introducing themselves, and which bits are more “private” (typically libraries, gyms, and the bulk of the dining room), where members would not care to have strangers barging in. Different clubs have different quirks - there are squash courts that are incredibly social, and there are bars where people keep themselves to themselves.
Do visit the club table (if there is one) when dining; it is by far the best way to meet armchair members in their natural habitat, and to get a sense of the personalities and conversations of the place. And do budge up to sit next to a member, rather than sitting at the far end of the table.
Do look at what club events might coincide with your visit. Again, you will get a far richer taste of the host club if you attend a talk or dinner.
Do pay into the hosting club’s staff benevolent fund after a stay, even if only a small contribution. Aside from anything else, it’s bound to make the club staff remember you on your next visit.
Do behave impeccably at all times - not only as if you would in your own club, but quite possibly better than when you are in your own club. Remember that you are representing your club at all times. Which may sound obvious, but you would be surprised by some of the cases that have arisen over the years...
The Don’t’s:
Don’t use reciprocation as a cheaper, “back-door” substitute for membership of a particular club. This is the biggest “Don’t” of all. Even in the absence of a formal rule, your visits to any given reciprocal club should not be more frequent than every two or three months. Even if you live close to the reciprocal club, your visits should be comparable to those of international visitors making occasional calls. Should you visit any more frequently than the suggested intervals, then you really should be considering taking out a full-time membership of that club. (Bear in mind that well over three-quarters of club members typically visit their club fewer than half a dozen times a year.) Abuse of this point is one of the most common reasons for clubs severing links with a reciprocal club. (I can well remember the case of one non-London club which was actively promoting its heavily-discounted “country” membership scheme to Londoners, who were often resigning from their London clubs and then literally showing up daily in their ‘old’ London clubs, using their newer, cheaper reciprocation. Needless to say, more than half the London clubs on their once-formidable reciprocals list severed relations; while several of the remaining clubs on the list have imposed stiff restrictions on the number of visits per year.)
Don’t assume that the host club will have the same dress code as your own. Clubs can have idiosyncratic variations, not only from club to club, but within the same club, depending on the time of day, the time of week, and the time of year.
Don’t leave bills unpaid. This is how reciprocations get revoked.
Don’t stick to a corner table in the dining room, if there is a club table alternative - you would be signifying that you are only interested in the facilities, rather than the host club’s culture. Join the fray, unless it looks inappropriate. After all, these are places for socialising.
Don’t be rude with either members or staff in the reciprocal club, even if you fervently disagree with them or their actions. Remember, you are a guest, not a member; and you are representing your club. Its honour is at stake. A common mistake is to assume that being a reciprocal member gives you all the rights and privileges of a member. It does not. You are still a guest, only one enjoying rare privileges. Show gratitude for that.
Don’t run a paid-for tour guide business that involves taking busloads of tourists around the interior of one of your reciprocal clubs, week after week, while its members are aghast. (This should be blindingly obvious, and goes without saying; but you’d be surprised at what needs spelling out in Clubland…)
Attitudes underpinning reciprocation
At their finest, the attitudes underpinning reciprocation can express all that is best in Clubland: fellowship, cameraderie, curiosity, and a healthy spirit of inquisitiveness. As I noted elsewhere, reciprocation works particularly well when there is a strong cultural bond between two clubs, however geographically distant; for instance, when they have been set up for comparable purposes, i.e. fellow automobile clubs for automobile enthusiasts, or fellow artistic clubs for practising artists.
However, there is a dark side to reciprocation, too. It is often laced with snobbery, with clubs insisting that they should only be reciprocating with “the better class of clubs”, and not with any “inferior” clubs. Since it is the entirely natural default for club members to believe (often with little supporting evidence or comparative experience) that their own club must be “the best in the world”, this can lead to some rather paradoxical attitudes; and it can bring out the worst in members and committees.
It is this snobbery, too, which pervades the attitude that “we must keep our reciprocals list select” - often with little idea of what it is being kept selected to, other than being select for the sake of being select. A level-headed assessment of which reciprocation options exist rarely enters into such considerations. (Subscribers to this Substack will have a better idea than most committee members, due to the existence of my “Clubland Database”, broken down by continent/region, which lists the array of clubs in each city, and can be found by scrolling down the “Index” page; or for London clubs, by referring to the directory in London Clubland: A Companion for the Curious. As ever, this is not in any way an endorsement, but simply an attempt to set out the lay of the land, in what is out there.)
The complex webs of contradictory feelings can mean that reciprocal visitors approach other clubs in different spirits. Sometimes, it is simply curiosity, to “see how the other half lives.” Sometimes it is a fond reunion with a cherished reciprocal, whose members are regarded as soulmates, their company enjoyed for a twice-yearly reunion. Sometimes it is a visit with disdain, wanting to prove “that my club is the best”, by finding fault with everything. Sometimes, it is to run riot, the member knowing that they will not face the same level of scrutiny as in a club where they are already known by sight.
Informal reciprocation
There is such a thing as informal reciprocation. As the name implies, this can take many forms. Firstly, there are the seasonal arrangements - typically during the August ‘cleaning season’ - which are informally negotiated among club secretaries each year, and are by no means guaranteed from one year to the next.
Secondly, there are those clubs which do not enter into formal reciprocal arrangements in writing, but which have long-standing arrangements, that are known about by word of mouth. There can be many reasons for this, from licensing requirements, through getting around a club’s “We don’t reciprocate with anyone, ever” policy, to common-sense cases of “Of course we’d make an exception here.”
Thirdly, there are ad hoc, one-off arrangements. These differ from the second category, in that they do not simply depend upon a member’s club, but whom the member is - all members are not equal here. Case in point: “I’m the Chairman of Club X in City Y. We don’t have any reciprocals with bedrooms in your city. Might I be permitted to book a bedroom for a couple of nights?” A club is unlikely to say “Yes” to an armchair member (and might even resent the cheek of having been asked); but they may make an exception for a suitably distinguished individual - “We don’t normally permit that, but in this case, yes.” The individual may not simply be a club Chairman - they might be a visiting dignitary the club would be proud to host. (“I’m a former Prime Minister of Country Z. I belong to the very distinguished Club X, which I know doesn’t reciprocate with you, but might I be permitted to stay?”) Depending on a number of factors (including the host club’s licensing arrangements), they may say “Yes.” But this category is necessarily very rare - clubs do not take kindly to fielding a flurry of such requests from self-important members, and will usually say “No.”
In each of these cases, because of the inherently informal nature of the reciprocation, the greatest of tact and consideration is required. Club reciprocations can last for decades - several have been set in stone since reciprocal arrangements exploded in prominence around 1950. But some prove to be short-lived. Lists are constantly in a state of flux, under review on both sides. Being the ideal visiting member helps to cement them in place. They are not there for you, you are there for them. At its best, a host club should look back fondly on your visit, and still speak years later of the value added by your visit.
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Index
Articles are centred around several distinct strands, so the below contains links to the main pieces, sorted by theme.
Chuckled at the tour-guide comment. If you know, you know.
A very useful, sensible article. As fir club tables, this is something that should be encouraged. At the Bangalore Club, the dining hall has a large table that would make a perfect 'club table', but it is not used as such. People only sit there when other smaller tables are occupied.
Once I visited London’s Atheneum, where the (unwritten?) was/is that you must strike up a conversation with whomever you are sitting g near. And a member told me that diners who use the club table get their meals at a slightly discounted price. This was a few years ago.